The Beginning of our Journey
I decided to write our story after suffering two miscarriages in less than six months. Our baby is now six weeks old, a result of my third pregnancy and I have only recently felt able to begin to share our situation. Miscarriage is such an isolating experience, even more so after two. Our elite ‘club’ that my husband and I have unwittingly been made members of seems to be a taboo area for discussion and I decided to share our story in the hope that it may provide support or comfort to other women out there who have endured their own struggles.
My husband and I first fell pregnant in late June 2011, after deciding six months earlier that we wanted to have a baby. The trigger for me, as it seems to have been for so many other women, was hearing a close friend announcing the news that she was pregnant, and feeling a rush of longing and almost devastation that this wasn’t us making the same announcement. Until that point, I had not really been aware of how strong my desire was to have a baby.
We decided to stop contraception six months later, to give ourselves time to come to terms with the enormity of what we had decided to do. I had heard so many stories of women becoming pregnant immediately after stopping birth control, and, it seems rather naively now, was worried the same thing might happen to us. Even though we had decided we wanted a baby, the revelation had come in a rush of emotion and hormones rather than as a clear and rational decision, and we still did not feel ready should we fall pregnant straight away.
In hind sight, this concern seems minor and trivial even, but at the time, I hadn’t appreciated how long it would take my cycle to settle down after more than a decade of taking the contraceptive pill. My cycle had always been long and somewhat erratic, and I hadn’t appreciated the anxiety and anticipation every month waiting to see if I was pregnant, without knowing if everything was even working as it should. The hope and excitement every time I waited to see if the line of the pregnancy test would reveal itself was only compounded by the fact that imaginary lines seemed to appear before my eyes the harder I looked, and the fact that I didn’t ever know exactly when to expect my period made the situation even more painful, as I didn’t know if I was dealing with a ‘negative’ or a ‘maybe’ each and every time. About 9 months, and 6 cycles later, we finally got a positive result.